“If you want to learn more about yourself, serve.” – Father Dan Leary

Those were the words Father Dan Leary, a priest who shared his experiences serving with Saint Teresa, said at a happy hour event I attended that was geared towards Catholic young adults. Serving the community has formed a part of my identity as an adult. Whether serving involved writing sharings and prayers, reading scripture in front of people, or dedicating my time to sharing my talents and stories with others, I always learned something new about myself each time I served. Those lessons were applied into slowly becoming a better person as each day passed. In many ways, Noy Sauce would not be Noy Sauce if it were not due to the time spent serving the community.

For the past two months, I put my service to the community on hold to focus on matters in my personal life. During that timespan, I frequently lamented on unmet expectations during my times spent serving. Why was I asked to do more, while others did not answer the call to serve? How come that no matter how much I do, it is never enough? Rather than truly focus on praying during mass, my mind often drifted to earthly matters, such as finding a job, and worrying about my savings and my mother’s health.  On one occasion, I fell asleep during the homily in mass, because I was tired from staying up late the night before looking at memes.

Life is funny in the way it teaches lessons, no matter how much I think I have learned and how much I feel lost at certain times in my life. Not too long after waking up from my nap in mass, a fellow parishioner, who sat behind me, asked me to help out with the collecting of money from the congregation. To save face, I politely accepted his request. My first experience as an usher was laughable. Because I did not look at all the people sitting in the rows, I often missed those who wanted to donate, causing me to go back and collect their money. The handle of the collection basket often hit the church’s side wall, because I had no clue on how to properly use the handle in order to maneuver the basket in and out of the pews.

The call to serve did not end there. A week later, I served as a lector in the Simbang Gabi* mass at my local parish. One of the fellow Filipina parishioners, whom I call “Tita”**, had asked me to read for the mass. In addition to reading at the Simbang Gabi mass, I also helped out with the collection of money after being called at the last minute to do so. I still missed people who wanted to donate, causing me to go back and collect their money. But this time around, I took matters in stride and collected money with a smile, making those mistakes part of the learning experience. (It is only a matter of time that parishioners start calling me, “Ursher baby.”)

My mother, who had been slowly recovering from her illness, accompanied me to the Simbang Gabi mass. Despite my mother not being assigned to serve in the mass, Tita asked her to serve as a greeter and Eucharistic minister when we arrived. I rolled my eyes when Tita asked my mother to help out, as if she did not accept my mother’s recovery as a reason to not help out. Yet, my mother did her best in greeting mass goers before mass started and in serving as a Eucharistic minister during communion. At one point during mass, the priest came over to greet us standing in the front row. He complimented my mother by telling her, “You look good tonight.” I chuckled as he walked towards the front of the church after saying that, thinking, “Is he serious?! Well, peace be with him!”

 “I just do things.” – The Joker (taken from the movie “Dark Knight”)

As the Simbang Gabi mass came to an end, I looked up and smiled at the experience that evening. Sometimes there is no plan or reason in certain moments of our lives. We just do things because they need to be done. I could have said no all those times I was called to serve. However, since Filipinos often do not take “No” for an answer, and since Noy Sauce is a curious dude who regularly seeks challenges, I said “Yes” most of the time. Those times I set aside my pride in not wanting to work with certain people, yet worked with them anyway, were tests of my character and determination to have no regrets for doing my best. Those times I opened up myself to others and shared my story, despite how much it hurt at first to talk about my pains, brought healing and peace in my life. Those times I read in front of a congregation of people, gave me confidence to take initiative and to just do things.

With a renewed resolve towards serving, lessons of a day spent serving last year came to mind and reminded me why I serve in the first place. I have not found an activity outside of serving that brings a purpose that goes beyond striving to be a better person each day. Serving hurts at times, but those are opportunities to give without the expectation that gratitude will be reciprocated. Serving gets frustrating, but giving our all should leave us with no regrets because we did our best. Lastly, serving presents unexpected changes, which give us chances to let go of our inhibitions about making mistakes or the overall outcome. This experience at the Simbang Gabi mass served as a reminder (pun totally intended) on how much of a ways I have to go towards unconditionally loving others. Yet, that is okay. Christmas is an especially great time of the year to let go of the past, which may include regrets, and to move on. I look forward to serving again, so that I can learn from my own shortcomings to be a better version of myself.

We all need reminders of what got us this far in our lives, despite losing our ways and senses of direction from time to time. We may do things just to do them in the heat of the moment, but gaining those fresh perspectives afterward are what add variety and purpose in what we do. Well, time to end this post in order to serve others many times more. It is the only way.

* Simbang Gabi is a nine-day series of masses preceding Christmas, celebrated by Filipinos in anticipation of Christmas. The Simbang Gabi masses are traditionally held early in the morning during those nine days. After each mass, there is fellowship in which food is served, along with a dose of camaraderie amongst the mass goers.

** Tita is the Tagalog word for Aunt. In Filipino culture, we call elderly ladies “Tita” as a sign of respect, whether we are related to them or not.