“Ma abot siya, Noy.” (English translation: “She will come, Noy.”)
Those were the words my cousin told me after sharing with him my failed dating experiences. I thought to myself, “How can he confidently say those words, while I am here struggling to let go of numerous rejections?”
Growing up, I often fantasized that I will meet “the one person” who would bring peace towards my insecurities and brokenness. Reality hit hard when expectations were not met, as I did not find a lady who could, let alone, would, bring that peace for me.
There were nights I had trouble sleeping after being rejected and later finding out that person was already seeing someone else. I prayed, hoping that a miracle would somehow remove the pain that was inside my heart. I ran half-marathons in the park, hoping that my anger will somehow burn off along with my belly fat. I contemplated moving to a different place, hoping that a change of scenery will force me to move on. Yet, I was still stuck in Steps 1-4 of Handling Loss.
In the words of Baby Spice, “But now, we are going around in circles, tell me will this déjà vu never end?”
I thought to myself:
“Is there any way that she will one day change her mind?”
“Will I meet someone who is better than her?”
I asked friends and family what they thought of my situations, looking for a false hope that would delay the inevitable, only to get mixed responses:
“Maybe now is not the right time to be with her.”
“You can do better.”
“Move on and get over it, as it was not meant to be.”
“You are over-thinking it.”
“The fact that she lied to you about not seeing someone else means she likes you!” (I will admit, this response actually made me laugh.)
I attended social gatherings and networking events, hoping that I will meet someone new. When I did not meet someone who met my criteria at those gatherings and events, I went home feeling disappointed. I went on other dates, putting on a fake smile despite not being attracted to that lady because I thought the dating experience will help ease the pain. When I saw friends post pictures with their significant others in social media, a part of me wished that their relationships would fall into the same abyss my heart was as I rolled my eyes in disgust.
On one occasion when I went to confession, the priest laughed at one dating experience I shared with him. You know you hit a low point when a priest laughs during what is supposed to a solemn moment in confession (Looking back, I also thought the priest laughing during confession was funny). After a few more rejections and bad dates, I realized that I had a low self-esteem and allowed peoples’ perceptions of me dictate how I value myself. Not the way to attract someone, right?
I suffered, seeing reality as it was, and being unable to run away from what was not meant to be and from my low self-esteem.
Like any challenge in life, a process is required to overcome them. Sadly, there is no magic wand that can be waved to instantly solve our problems. The process is required, because the lessons learned going through the healing process sink in our heads, forcing us to develop habits to transform our mindsets. I asked myself, “What do I really want at this point in my life? Will this person actually make me happy, let alone bring the peace that I am looking for?” When I honestly answered those questions, I realized that I need to trust my inner voice instead of relying on others to decide what to do next. I had a choice: I can be bitter about the experiences, or I can be better from the lessons learned from those experiences.
I embraced going to places by myself, such as watching movies at the theater and attending concerts at the bar. I embraced eating at a restaurant by myself, joking that I do not need to pay twice as what I am currently spending at the moment. I embraced being single by seeking new experiences, such as ziplining and cooking more exotic dishes. There were some days where I was reminded of those ladies and fell a few steps back towards moving on, but it was alright, as long as I persevered in accepting those situations. By expressing gratitude for my current situation, I found that there is a bright future to look forward to, and that there is a world begging for me to explore. The opportunities of embracing the future and exploring the world now lie in my hands.
For the moment, it does not matter whether I find someone. I found peace. I found joy. Most importantly, I found my self-worth. What matters is finding who I am as a person, and trusting my inner voice. I do not need to wait for someone to bring peace towards my insecurities and brokenness, when I have chances everyday to work on them. The ladies will come as I pursue and share my passions, while carrying a mindset of abundance.
Looking back, I met those attractive ladies when I pursued and shared my passions, without expecting to meet someone new. In the words of homeboy rapper Rich Homie Quan, “The ladies be feeling some type of way (as I did things I loved)!”
I smile whether or not I meet someone worth considering when attending social gatherings and networking events. I am content if the date leads to something special, or leads to nothing more than a friendship, as I learn new lessons and have a new friend. I chuckle while rolling my eyes in amusement when I see photos of my friends along with their baes in social media.
As I embrace my newfound freedom, I look forward to one day participating in a bull run, while wearing a red cape. I look forward to taking selfies in my adventures abroad with lady strangers who think I am a good-looking Asian sensation with that Asian persuasion. Above all, I look forward to becoming the new me a few years down the road and telling my cousin, “Nag abot siya.” (“She has come.”)