(The cover photo is MuscleBob BuffPants flexing his biceps, showing masculine power. /sarcasm)
About a year ago, my mother, aunt, and I were on a train headed to Paris from Lourdes, France. A person sitting a few rows behind us had been talking loudly on his phone for more than 30 minutes, irritating the other passengers in the train. The signs inside the train clearly stated “No talking on the phone.” My mother and aunt were visibly uncomfortable and annoyed at the person’s inconsiderate behavior and annoying voice. Fed up with the man’s rudeness, I stood up from my seat, turned around in his direction, and firmly told him, “Excuse me, can you please keep it down?! We are trying to sleep over here.”
That person did not speak on his phone for the remainder of the train ride. My mother and aunt, feeling relieved that someone stood up and said something, thanked me for doing so. The passenger sitting right behind us also thanked me and we shared a lighthearted conversation about the train ride to Paris. This moment reminded me that us men need to constantly embrace our masculinity through taking initiative and standing up for ourselves, despite our fears and reservations.
I did not have a grounded male figure to look up to for guidance growing up. My father passed away when I was 13 years old and my mother and aunt raised me the best way they could, instilling values of compassion, sincerity, and hard work. My family is matriarchal-led, in which the females have dominant personalities while the males, for the most part, allowed the females to run the show. The problem with matriarchal-led relationships is that this is not how relationships at a fundamental level are meant to be.
When women step into their masculine side to lead the relationship, feelings of resentment build up in the relationship because women want a winner, not to win on behalf of her man. Men feel suppressed of their masculinity by not being the leaders and providers they are meant to be. Any woman who marries the King instantly becomes the Queen. An ordinary guy who marries the Queen simply becomes the Queen’s husband, not the King.
The King and Queen analogy means that a strong, grounded man can bring any woman he likes to her highest self. A woman is not capable of bringing a man to his highest self, because she does not want to and if she does so, it goes against her true nature of being a follower and she will resent her man for it.
Not having a male figure whom I can turn to for guidance allowed people to take advantage of my “niceness”, as I did not speak up for fear of what others would think of me and potentially losing the relationship. Not standing up for myself built feelings of resentment because I dwelled in my own arrogance thinking that my niceness was my ticket to others treating me just as well. This attitude resulted in being friend-zoned multiple times and having many low-quality relationships.
In the past, I often asked my mother and aunt for advice when it came to dealing with rejections. The best answer they told me is, “Do not worry, Noy. She will come.” Older women, especially Titas, often told me that I am a “great catch” and the “perfect kind of guy.” Yet the more I heard them telling me that, the more it annoyed me seeing attractive-looking women my age settle into relationships with guys whom I thought are mediocre at best (and of course, not as good-looking as me).
“Don’t wish it was easier, wish you were better. Don’t wish for less problems, wish for more skills.” – Jim Rohn
Unsatisfied with answers that did not show me how to build skills in finding the lady of my dreams, I began a journey of embracing my inner masculinity by reflecting on my past experiences and pursuing personal development. I made a stand that I will figure this out by ignoring those who settled into mediocre relationships or allowed their lady to dominate the relationship. After reading books on dating and masculinity, listening to podcasts on dating and relationships, and meeting women in social events (and spending time with them), I made the following conclusion: “Women look for a grounded man who will not only lead them, but also whom they will believe in.”
Before my father passed away, I was a jerk as a kid. I teased girls whom I liked, whether it was dumping water over a girl’s head at summer camp or making fun at how they use the bathroom, only to be reprimanded by the teachers.
After my father passed away, my mother encouraged me to date my classmates during high school. Because of my reclusiveness and fear of being hurt by being vulnerable from losing my father, I missed out on building friendships that could have served me well in my young adulthood. Seeing my married and engaged female classmates at my 10-year high school reunion brought feelings of regret as I thought, “Wow, I could see myself dating them, if not, at least be great friends with them had I been more open during high school.”
During college, I wondered why women whom I wasn’t physically attracted to were often those who were drawn to me while women whom I was physically attracted to were those who often friend-zoned me as I got to know them. I exhibited many “nice guy” behaviors by giving pretty women whom I liked undeserved special treatment, because I hoped that she will give me “special treatment” in return. Not only was this manipulative behavior, but totally unattractive to women because they asked themselves, “Why is this guy treating me so well for no reason?”
Looking back in my 20s (geez that makes me sound old), the most fun interactions I’ve had with women over were those in which there was playful verbal teasing and tension, while I was comfortable to righteously leave the lady.
One time, I went out to eat ice cream with a good friend whose company I enjoyed. We comfortably shared our dating experiences with rejection and teased that we deserve better people. We had toured the town that day, singing songs in the car while reminiscing about our friends from college, and had a nice dinner that evening. We went to a nearby ice cream parlor for dessert following dinner. As we walked on the sidewalk after ordering our ice cream, I asked her if she wanted to have a sample of my ice cream, and she said, “Yes.” She then asked me if I wanted to try some of her ice cream. Before I finished replying, “Yes, I’d like to try some of yours”, she shoved her ice cream cone on my lips. ROFLMAO. My friendship with her taught me that having the right amount of confidence and comfort in my own self is a foundation towards a healthy relationship.
Another time, a friend of mine who often teased me told me in a snobby tone that she did not want to sit next to me during praise and worship. Annoyed with the way she told me so, I firmly told her, “Fine. Go sit somewhere else.” She ended up sitting behind me. BWAHAHA. Other people in our group that evening wondered why we argued as if we passionately disliked each other. My friendship with her taught me that relationships need spice and passion in the form of playful teasing and pettiness, otherwise the relationship is bland and boring.
“When she knows that you’ll righteously leave, she will righteously stay.” – Patrice O’Neal
So how does a man find leadership within himself to embrace his masculinity? It starts with a purpose. A purpose that gives him a reason to wake up each morning in a beautiful state, ready to live fully and do work that aligns with his values and skills. A purpose that builds confidence to stop seeking the approval of others and embrace the approval that matters most: his own. A purpose that encourages men to love themselves first and foremost, and stops men from putting women on pedestals, seeing women for who they truly are as people.
My purpose is me being the best me. This means loving and taking care of myself first and foremost, embracing the craft as a software developer and writer, making corny jokes each day, remaining a man of faith, and having fun, enjoying the life I currently have while building the life of my dreams. I’m thankful for having the means to take my mother and aunt on a trip of a lifetime, the painful lessons learned in rejection, and the inner fulfillment that came from hard work and dedication (which is key in attracting the right women in a man’s life).
Embracing masculinity involves taking full responsibility for my past, my current life, and my future self. Those series of failures in my personal life were blessings in disguise to not tolerate second-class, entitled behavior, and to build the belief and confidence that I’m a winner with more to give than just my awesome looks. My mother and aunt did a great job in raising me. At the end of the day, my family means well and they showed me to treat women with respect. Being reclusive for many years taught me that being vulnerable and honest with myself is the path towards achieving greatness in life and the key to people’s hearts.
Embracing masculinity also involves not giving women my power. This power, from a subconscious level, means not giving women whom I like any special treatment just because she has a pretty face and nice body. When I’m feeling lustful towards an attractive-looking woman, I ask myself, “Why do I think she is special? I know nothing about her yet that would qualify her as special. If I just heard her voice without knowing how she looks like, would I find her attractive?”
That is usually enough to bring me to a state of abundance, letting go of any expectation on how the interaction ends up. When ladies sarcastically tell me that my corny jokes suck or that I am not funny, they’re hooked on my swagger. The fact that they told me so means they do care. Hate is essentially the same thing as love. I’m telling you…women are goofy!
The journey of embracing my masculinity has been fun. I’ve made a few lady friends whom I talk to every now and then to amuse myself in their goofiness. Embracing my inner-jerk from time to time and not tolerating second-class behavior are what women find attractive for the simple reason that they are looking for that one man who demonstrates leadership, stands up for himself and what he believes in, and won’t easily fold under pressure. Their constant tests are not malicious, but rather assurances women need to know that their man remains grounded through it all and someone whom they can believe in.
I look forward to sharing this fun life of adventure and playful tension, sprinkled with corny jokes with you, my goofy, future wife.